Tryptophan and other natural drugs

Not an ounce of turkey in my stomach yet and I'm already feeling the effects of that stuff in turkey that makes you SUPER sleepy. Low lighting, high pumped heating, and the smell of pernil and pavo is so... dreamy. I look forward to stuffing my face, I shall not hold back ... I have the rest of the year for that. Before moving on with my food filled day, I stopped in to see Candice and Imani. I want to pinch/bite/squeeze her cute cheeks

That's it, I'm calling Ford Modeling agency on Monday. This kid needs an agent.

Happy Gobble Gobble day to all of you. Be fat and merry!

Thursday Night Delights

Two nights ago I was supposed to clear up a few things going on in my life, but instead got persuaded into watching my weekly shows on MTV : Making the Band 3 and Run's House. I'll admit that the former is simply a dirty pleasure for the part of me that is entertained by girls bickering constantly and me imagining how fun it would be to run up there and slap 'em (yes, I can be evil)... Run's House, on the other hand is pure hysterical entertainment. Please tell me someone but me, Anthony and Marj watch this shit b/c I desperately want it back on the air for another season. Run, a.k.a Reverend Run from Run DMC, is the father to five kids and husband to a cute and funny wife named Justine. MTV cameras followed them around for the summer of 2005 and I was disappointed to find out there were only something like six episodes. This family is FUNNY with their patriarch saying shit like "it's not white water rafting, we're black so it's dark water rafting" ...and "people don't go bear hunting, they go bear hiding"...Maybe you have to watch the show to get it, but I'm in tears of laughter every week.. and now it's over until God knows when

Last night Anthony and I went to Charlie Brown's. One piece of advice, unless there are four people eating with you do NOT order the double layer carrot cake. Never in my life have I seen something like this

Don't be fooled.. that plate is at least NINE INCHES LONG. It was the most intimidating piece of food I had ever come across. We didn't make it through even half.

What we did do was have a long talk about what it is we want from the next few years of our lives, what endeavors we're going to occupy our time with, and what we're going to need from each other in order to get started. People compromise to many things when they are engulfed by fear, it's only time that can determine what they will say when they are no longer scared...

I wish I wasn't...

...feeling the weight of indecisiveness on my shoulders
...considering my options to what, inevitably, is a bad conclusion all together
...letting slip away the only thing I ever truly believed in
...praying for a way to crawl into a black hole and disappear for a while
...believing that I may never be truly happy

Do I sound depressed? I'm not. I am in good health, the doc even says I'm healing so well she thinks I'll be back to normal in only a couple of short weeks. I couldn't be happier at my job, unless it involved booking Jay-Z's next concert (you know he'll find a way to have another one). I realize every day that in each of my friends lies an individual trait that is so appealing and entertaining, I don't know how my day would go by without calls/IMs/Emails from them.

I'm not depressed, I'm just sitting on a fence on a really windy day and it's hard to keep my balance. Over the last seven months it's come to my attention that the life line I had planned since I was a teenager is no longer going to work itself out. I know I'm not the only person this happens to, I just wanted to be the one who it doesn't happen to. I really wanted to be that person, and I wanted to be it with "you". Instead, I think I will have to become this new person. She's always been inside me, I just kept making her second in importance.

Readers, you know me as Elle J, and while that is only a nickname it is who I must now fully become. Elle J is the actress,. Elle J is the model, Elle J is the event planner, and Elle J is all these things before she is a wife and a mother. More often than not I have had people tell me "you're still young", and it's not until now that I want to accept that. I'm 24, educated and talented, all I need to do is let it go and let the real me come through full force and take over for a while. I have the rest of my life to give myself to someone, to my future child. But, for now I have to get myself to a place where I'll be happy with where my life is headed... and if not with "you" than I must do it on my own....
(sorry for any vagueness... I just needed some written word therapy).

Why my mom is a trip

Mom: "how are u feeling?"
Me: "good"
Mom: "im worried"
Me: "im not"
Mom: "u shouldnt be working"
Me: "the doc says im fine"
Mom: "what are u wearing?"
Me: "clothes"
Mom: "Elle! what kind of clothes? are they tight?"
Me: "mom im not wearing sweats anymore!"
Mom: "u shouldnt even be at work in ur condition"
Me:"well doctor mom, my real doc told me it was fine"
Mom: "well ive talked to people who have been through this and they dont know how ur at work. they were home for weeks recovering. they had nurses at their houses"
Me: "they must be rich.. or lazy.. or old"
Mom: ELLE!"
ME: "im fine mom"
Mom: "i'm just worried about you."
Me: "I know, that's why you're my mom."

My mom and I have been through tough times over the years, but finally, as I've gotten older and understand many more things about life in general, I've begun to "get" her. She's unorganized, controlling, and dramatic... but she's like that because she's trying to save the world, more often than not, my world and she does it with a gusto that can be misunderstood. But, I understand her now. I understand that when she freaks out about something as needless as the candles on a cake burning for too long, it's because she doesn't want my bday cake to be ruined. When she makes a huge ordeal about lighting the bbq grill asking me more than ten times if the gas is turned on all the way, I know it's because she's afraid it will blow up in my face. When she fuses over my use of a halfway coat, it's only because she doesn't want me to end up with pneumonia. When she insists I come over immediately to help her make a DVD cover, it's because she misses having me at home. When she calls me and repeats the same thing five times, it's because she wants me to stay on the phone longer. I get it.... I get it all. And although I don't see myself ever moving back in with her (some people should definitely love from afar), my heart is always with her.

Nothing's Promised Tomorrow, Today

Day four of recovery and I'm starting to flip... I can walk, I'm not totally incapacitated and of course, things could be worse ( I hate that saying)...but I'm miserable. I've been stuck in sweats since Wednesday and if you're a chic that wears jeans and biz casual seven days a week, you know the transition to complete bummery can drive you f'in nuts. It's not just the clothes, it's the way they make me feel , sloppy and depressed. So I try to get out, go for a walk only to realize it's Saturday, beautiful out and everyone but me is doing something tonight. It's Marjorie's birthday dinner and I can't make it because I'm due for a bandage change at ten p.m. Anthony is gone, it's his friends birthday tonight and what's the sense in him staying home to be miserable with me? Maybe I wouldn't be so miserable if he were here...

I have this friend named Ro who has been through some crazy, and I mean crazy physical shit lately, her body just started falling apart and she's only 26. Through it all she would laugh, make fun of herself, post it all in her blog and all I could think was Holy shit, this girl has some heart. Now I look at myself in this condition that isn't even 1/10th of what she went through (she's making a great recovery) and I'm thinking if Ro can do it, I can... NO ME JODAS MIJA!!!!!

For those of you that asked about more pics from that crazy last photo shoot I had, here ya go:

No, I didn't get caught trying to kiss

some other dude. That's the male model I worked with, Julian. We were thrown into that pose about five seconds after being introduced. AWKWARD, for me anyway, but he was totally cool. I'm starting to feel better, not because I get to work with hot male models as part of my profession, but because I know I'll soon be back to myself...

Breathe, Elle... just breathe....

Bertha is gone...

For those of you that are not my immediate friends, I shall explain, in short, who Bertha was. Bertha has been a PIMA for more than two years, literally. Bertha was a growth of something in my, umm... err.... rear. No sense in keeping it a secret, I'm carrying around a hospital donut and walking like a duck. Wednesday afternoon, aftering starving myself for nearly twelve hours, I was admitted to the ambulatory surgery section of my neighborhood hospital. What I thought would turn out to be a small room with just me and my surgeon, turned into this crazy big room straight out of ER with five, count 'em FIVE, doctors surrounding my semi naked self. How ultimately embarassing was it when I realized three out of the five were young men... ugh. I took a deep breath, laid on my tummy, let them pump me full of some sedative and fell into a heavenly sleep. I swear I haven't been in a dreamland like that since... since.. the last time I got blasted in college. Before I knew it they were bringing me out of it and I was begging them to put me back under the spell, shit was good what can I say.So what's the outcome, Bertha is out but she's left my booty a little sore. I now get to sit home for three days and CHILL, a break from my life, maybe something I needed...hold up.. I need to move my donut

Angels and Mad Alices

I have yet to receive any photos from that crazy shoot, but they will be up in due time.. In the mean time I must recap on what ended up being one of my most fun birthdays to date. Since my actual birthday (10/26 - document it, I expect cards next year ) was the day of my company's big sales event, I had no time to realize that I had reached twenty four years of age. Somewhere between watching the guestlist and fumbling for a mike, it dawned on me that I had turned one year older admist the madness that was my day, but it was a fluttering moment and gone before I could dodge a request for more name badges. It wasn't until Saturday that I had enough moments to breathe and contemplate what being 24 meant... First thought, one more year to 25 - holy f'in shit. That's like ADULTHOOD, real adulthood, not that semi-somewhat-adulthood I am experiencing now. You turn 25 and somehow you're supposed to suddenly have purpose in life. I refuse to NOT have purpose a year from now, so we'll see what I come up with.

Saturday - October 29th (my fake bday), and the night of twenty different Halloween parties in NYC. What idiot would wait until that morning to get a costume? -----> IDIOT HERE<------- I ran to the mall first thing and elbowed an eight year old out of my way as I grabbed the angel wings she was reaching for. She wasn't hurt by it and she had a huge advantage over me: a mom who would put down the house mortage for her sweet daughter's costume. I, on the other hand, was broke and a $7 pair of wings was all I could afford. With that done I trekked back home for a disgruntled nap. WHY does EVERYONE want to call me during a nap and never when I'm home bored? Evening arrived and with it the arrival of Ely and Pablo who would be camping at my house for the evening. Pablo documented our three block trip to mom's house in a very Blairwitch-like film. I pretended to be surprised that people were at mom's house to greet me, but really was surprised that everyone made it there before me (I can't help but run on PR time).

We got down and dirty with grandma's pernil y arroz con gandules... I ate some cake

Others sat in it.... hope you didn't ruin your jeans Erick!

Candice came through with Imani. I have great footage of her that I'll post later on.

Bruno is that you??? And your girlfriend Gloria?? 'Bout damn time ya'll make it. Poor Pab, over there in the corner, spent so much time behind the vid camera he hardly showed up in pics. Don't worry boo, I got you in action!

The witching hour called and Ely and I changed into our Halloween gear, we the only fun ones in the group

Her twins are SO comfy!

And now for one of my most favorite moments of the evening... watch the footwork and then watch how she figures out what might solve the problem at the end:

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Just want to squeeze her to pieces

Marj was the umm... caped crusader? ... actually she was supposed to be a black Angel in opposition to me but her damn wings broke!

My mother tried to get me to wear a coat, do you SEE those wings? She then threw this huge wrap on me that I really think was just a fresa from the guest bedroom.We almost didn't make it to the club because a cabbie had a vendetta on us and nearly knocked us off the road, making the rest of my night a blur. There was something about a backdoor entrance to Deep, crazy costumes all around and music pumping so well and for so long that I couldn't stop dancing. People I haven't seen in ages came out to party with me.

Jose, you don't look lopsided! Diana, Karina - I miss you guys! Ya'll look banging! Dotts, you FINALLY came out to a club with me. What's that make it? five years since Amazura?? DAYUM. Besides the strobing lights and foggy air, the time change threw me for a loop and no one's watches were in synch. So I have no idea as to what time we really left the club. I do know that I suddenly appreciated the cape/blanket my mother supplied me with because none of us had a clue as to where we parked the car, and sadly none of us were even drunk. It took about ten minutes but we finally figured it out and realized we were all pretty damn hungry. Plans were made to meet up with Marj and Erick at Miller's so we took the detour into BK only to find out Miller's was closed - since WHEN?? Ugh. There was no other choice... we had to do it.. we hit up...

Murder burger drive through... Anthony's window was on crack and slid down at the rate of a snail race. "Slow motion fo me, slow motion fo me" he sang, as he order our 20 burgers and said thank you after each item (he has this fear they will spit in his food if he's not extra nice). I think by the time we got home and began munching on our rationed five to a person burgers, it was nearly 5am - real time, not the fake time that occurs when clocks go back an hour. Anthony was so tired he fell asleep eating his last burger, why don't I have a pic of that? Ely slipped out before any of us recovered Sunday morning, although she swears she made a mess of noise walking into the hangers I have hanging from Anthony's workout bar. None of us heard anything, the advantage of comatose sleep.

Pablo: "Did I really eat White Castle @ 5am??" Yes, babe, you did. We all did and we're all paying for it still with funny tummies and legs that are swollen from dance fever, but wasn't it all worth it?